This Week in Spam

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“All right, it’s true! Of course nobody needs mail. What do you think, you’re so clever for figuring that out? But you don’t know the half of what goes on here. So just walk away, Kramer. I beg of you.”

Spam Motivation

Next to chain emails sent to you by distant relatives that fail the Snopes test and viruses that infect all you poor Windows users, there are few things as annoying as spam in your inbox. Fortunately for me, I have the most amusing spammers on the planet sending me email on a regular basis.

Let me share some of them with you.

First, we have the watch spam…

I’m not really sure why makers of replica Rolex watches have descended upon email servers. Don’t they make enough money peddling them on New York City street corners?

The titles are the best.

If you can’t change yourself, change at least your watch.

Now, there’s an affirmation for you. I’m not sure if I were unwilling or unable to change myself that I would choose to purchase a new watch let alone a replica. Even if I did, I’m guessing it wouldn’t make me feel better unless their claim within the email came true.

Women will be standing in line just to touch your watch.

God knows, if there is ONE thing in this life I want, it’s for women to stand in line to touch…my watch.

Girl: Is that a Rolex?
Me: No, baby, it’s a replica Rolex.
Girl: Oooh, that’s so hot. May I stroke it?
Me: Of course, sweetheart, but don’t take too long. I’ve got women standing in line to stroke this bad boy.

Then there is this pitch:

Add a touch of class to your life style with extremely high quality replica watches.

Yes, because NOTHING says class like a replica watch.

But, the watch spam is really minor compared to the…you guessed it…penis enlargement spam. Seems like everyone out there wants me to make it bigger or make sex last longer. Who the hell have they been talking to?

There are the funny…

Your male member is in fetters? Set him free.

I don’t even know what this means.

Give her love, give her fuel with your extra mega tool.

Fuel? What, is your woman going to get better miles per gallon if you have an “extra mega tool?” You know, if they added an extra syllable, they could make a poem:

Give her love.
Give her fuel,
With your extra super,
Mega tool.

Sounds like that rhyme Underdog used to say when he was going to take his energy pill.

Your shlong can be shlonger.

Ok, that subject is funny, but check out the line inside the email:

Fill your bed partner’s brain with the excitement and satisfaction.

If you are filling her brain, you are doing it wrong.

Then there are the outlandish claims…

Hit her G-spot every time

Most guys don’t even know where the mythical g spot is, let alone worry about hitting “it,” which is why most guys are kinda stupid and why this email is probably really effective. Here’s a hint, big guy. You don’t need to be Atilla the Dick to…oh, nevermind. You’re probably too busy drinking beer, trimming your goatee and calling your buddies “brah” to pay attention anyway, so enjoy your little blue pills there fella.

The whole galaxy will be yours with the size like that.

Really? The galaxy? Are you telling me that hot Martian women are going to be all up in my business when they find out my schlong is schlonger? I heard those Venusian chicks are hot and sassy!

Or maybe I could just forgo the member expansion and hit on some girl from Pluto. I’m sure it will be easy what with her self esteem being so low since astronomers said Pluto isn’t a planet anymore. I just need to get her a little drunk on Plutonian ale and it’s on.

The next time your inbox says you have 350 emails and only 3 of them are legitimate, don’t get angry. Just realize that spammers have provided you a wealth of humor at your disposal. Sure, their assault on bandwidth has increased the cost of hosting and internet service, but so has porn and look at how that has worked out!

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