The Complications of Underwear

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This is going to be a weird entry, so just be forewarned.

Underwear these days is complicated. Not in the corsett, long-john, garters-for-your-socks way of our forefathers. Today’s complications are more stylistic and that makes it rather confusing.

And, before I get into this further, let me just say that this has nothing to do with women’s undergarments. I’m no expert in that area and I’m not going to be sexist and discuss my favorite looks for the ladies. Well, not today anyway.

I keed. I keed. 🙂

What I’m talking about is the triumverate of primary underwear choices:

The Classic Brief or Tighty Whitey
The Boxer or Ivy Leaguer
The Boxer Brief or Michael Jordan Special

I’m not even going to discuss the bikini (aka banana hammock) because those should be restricted to International Male catalogs and male strippers. The fact that they are not is as disturbing to me as their existence. But, I move on.

The Classic Brief is basically the most comfortable and the least fashionable. It doesn’t bunch. It’s snug. It does the job a good underwear should do. But, it is ugly as sin. Ah ha, you say, but these are to be worn under clothes, hence the term “under” garment. True and thank you for pointing it out.

We all know that, unless you choose a life of cellibacy as part of the priesthood (and I think those guys go commando anyway – a subject for a whole OTHER blog), there is at least a CHANCE someone for whom you would like to make at least a moderately favorable impression may see you in them. Hell, even the nickname “tighty whitey” is ugly sounding.

As a result, we have the Boxer. The boxer short is probably the most fashionable but the least comfortable. It looks like regular shorts and you can get it in all sorts of silly colors and designs. Want silk one’s with hearts? No problem. Cartoon characters? Piece of cake. Funny sayings like “Stud Muffin” on them? You got it.

The problem is that they are not comfortable or practical for the most part. If your pants are even slightly tight, getting into them without bunching or falling down is a complex process that either requires putting them on at the same time as your pants (that doesn’t really work that well and looks even dumber) or putting your pants on and then stabbing at your boxers with a kung fu like open palm to cram them down the legs of your pants.

Even if you manage to get them un-bunched, you are stuck with underwear that offer no support whatsoever.

What the hell do you do now?

Well, that is why God invented the Boxer Brief (actually I think it was Mr. Fruit of Fruit of the Loom, but I can’t be certain), which is a lot like spandex bicycle shorts without the shiny-ness. These were popularized by basketball players who wanted something under their shorts besides a jock strap. As camera technology got better, we all thank God for their decision. The floor cam would’ve been more like porn had they not gone this route. Players still use bicycle shorts a lot, but what about us everyday Joe’s who don’t want the shiny pants? Enter the boxer brief.

It presents a few of the problems of boxers in terms of getting them to fit under tighter clothing, but it is much easier than a standard boxer. It isn’t quite as comfortable as a brief, but close. And, well, it looks a hell of a lot better.

This is the time in the blog where I’m supposed to reveal my own personal choices, but I really don’t want to cause the reading public to vomit in my general direction, so I’ll leave that to your imagination, unless you already know, in which case I ask you to politely not reveal my love of leopard print g-strings.

DAMNIT!!! How do I edit this damn thing???

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