The Amish Fireplace

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I was watching a re-run of Stargate: Atlantis (shut up) at 8:30am this morning (I said, shut up) and noticed a few odd advertisements running on the SciFi channel. Most bizarre was this one.

In case you didn’t feel like watching the whole thing because you have ADD or were attacked by ninjas who took your eyesight and will to live, let me run this down for you.

The Heat Surge Fireplace is basically a portable electric heater on wheels built into a wood cabinet surrounded by a wood mantle with a screen on the front that looks like a simulated fireplace. The whole thing supposedly gives off “bone soothing heat” assuming you want your bone soothed.

The ad claims the heaters are “free.” All you have to do is pay the 300 bucks for the beautiful cabinet in oak or cherry finish. What, no bamboo?

Amish Folk in Their Natural HabitatWhat I found interesting – nay, humorous – about this ad was the fact that the fireplace is made by, get this, Amish folk. Why are people who don’t use electricity building electric heaters? Hell if I know, but it does make the ad so juicy and delicious – especially all the footage of genuine Amish in their native habitat (i.e. a barn) whiling away on their custom made cabinetry. You don’t even get that kind of rare footage on the Discovery Channel.

I’ll admit I wasn’t paying too close attention to the tv (I was busy searching the internet for ways to make money by sitting in front of the television) when this line caught my ear was, “Ever since the heaters have been given away, the Amish have imposed a limit of two per household.”

The damn Amish are trying to keep me from soothing my bone with their heat! Wait, that didn’t come out right. No, I guess it did. Moving on…

If that weren’t enough, there was this one: “How do you combine old world Amish craftsmanship with modern heating technology? The Amish aren’t telling.”

I’m not a registered scientitian or licensed carpentarian (not in Texas anyway), but I think what you do is you take an electric heater and shove it into an Amish cabinet. There you go, Amish, I revealed your secret. Ah HA! Now, I’ll be rich. It’s like I just revealed the secret recipe for Wolf brand chili (it’s made from actual wolves…and human babies), the Google search algorithm (refers + relevant linkbacks + pay Google lots of cash = high ranking) or the truth about Area 51 (it’s where they breed the super race of wolf-human hybrid babies to make Wolf brand chili).

And you know what, Amish, it’s not like you’re going to start a flame war with me or even know this blog exists because you don’t use the internet, do you Amish? It’s all evil like electricity and razors. You sit in your carriage looking all high and mighty, building barns, churning butter and helping Harrison Ford protect little kids. You think you are so cool, don’t you Amish?

Well, damn you and your heating technology and your rich, creamy butter. DAMN YOU!

Ok, that went too far. I’m sorry, Amish. Please don’t be angry. I heart you so much. Be my bestie again? You’re the best, Amish. THE BEST!

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