Open Letter Wednesday: Dear Social Media Gurus

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Every Wednesday, you get a peek inside the mail bag. In this case, that bag is full of letters I write to ask questions we all want answered…or maybe just me.

darthDear Social Media Gurus,

What’s up, guys and gals? I know you are busy Tweeting, blogging and ruling over the social media universe, but I just wanted to write you a letter to ask a few questions because, to be honest, I’m kinda confused about you people. So, if you have a second (or maybe 2.0 seconds…get it?), maybe you could riddle me this. Sorry, I was trying to speak in comic book for your benefit, but I realized you aren’t hardcore nerds, so I’ll save that for my open letter to Comicon.

What do we call you?

I’ve heard gurus, mavens, experts, pains in the ass. That last one is really just a few people I know on Twitter who have to stop following you after the hundredth Tweet in the last two hours with a hashtag like #savingtheworld2.0.

What do you consider yourselves?

In the online world there are nerds, geeks, gamers, coders, etc. You guys wear suits (or at least button down shirts without pit stains on them), so you can’t be nerds. You’re sorta geeks, though most of you don’t have any real programming or geek skills, so that might not work. How about we just go with consultants because that is just generic enough to work for someone preaching a bunch of stuff to people stupid enough to pay for it even though they have no idea why they are buying it in the first place.

Do you consider yourself famous?

I know people that call you famous because you have like 5000 Twitter followers, but I’m not totally sure you get what fame actually is. For example, Tiger Woods is famous. George Clooney is famous. Madonna is famous. You, not so much. Chances are, more people know who the 12th man on the bench for the Houston Rockets is than know about your blog. It’s not because your blog isn’t important, it’s just because your blog isn’t THAT important.

If you do consider yourself famous, is it because you’re hot?

I wonder if you’ve ever seriously asked yourself this question. See, thing is, people are weird. If you’re a cute girl, your chances of having a lot of followers on Twitter go up exponentially. If you, for example, take provocative self portraits, and by “provocative” I mean you topless with your hands over your boobs, it is safe to bet that lots of guys have friended you on Flickr and not just because you took those shots all artsy using only a Polaroid. They are there just for the boobs. Believe me. And no one cares if you know all about social media or photography if they come to see you at a seminar. They just want to see if you’ll take your top off again.

Do you think you are cool?

Because, seriously, you’re not. No offense or anything. It’s just that dirty hipster is not the new awesome. Neither is douchey bald guy in a suit or guy who can quote every bad movie made in the last 25 years. I should know because that last totally un-cool guy is me. While we’re at it, knowledge of Star Trek or comic books may make you all the rage at a convention, but the hot models that DC Comics hired to dress up in skimpy outfits or all the Princess Leia look-alikes are still going to get all the attention or were you not paying attention to my last question?

How do you make any money?

I’m asking this in all honesty, because I just don’t know. Maybe you convince people they need you to talk to them about Facebook. Maybe you sell ads on your blog. But, my guess is that you tell everyone that everything should be “open source” (i.e. free) even though when your client’s bloated invoice comes due, you’re willing to sick the collection agency on him/her faster than a bit torrent porn download because one thing that should NOT be free is your appearance fee.

What language are you speaking?

I thought it might be “corporate” English because I’ve heard you use words like synergistic and paradigm, but then I hear made up jibberish like brandividual and mediasphere and I think you are speaking some made up language that makes me want to invite you to #punchyouinthefacecamp.

See, I’m just trying to figure you out because, maybe I too can become a social media guru. Maybe I can get like 100,000 followers on Twitter and an over-inflated sense of self importance. That would be awesome…assuming it paid and got me hot chicks dressed like Princess Leia.



P.S. If you do have any pictures of your boobs that are Friends and Family only on Flickr, can you add me – purely for research, of course.

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