It’s The Mostest Scariestest Timest of the Yearest

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Ali Lohan Christmas AlbumWell, it’s the holiday season again. Today is Halloween after all, so it is fitting that I terrify you beyond the ability for rational thought. No, this isn’t a review of Saw III or some crazy story about how hot porn ghosts have their way with you on Halloween night if you’ve been naughty rather than nice (that actually happens, by the way).

No, you don’t need a mask or a costume or a scary movie or even apple bobbing (who the hell wants to drown for an apple?) to frighten small children and grown adults this Halloween. All you need is Ali Lohan’s Christmas album.

Let me clarify that this is ALI Lohan, the baby sister of actress singer wild child Lindsay. If Lindz had made a Christmas CD, I would’ve run screaming. The fact that Ali made one causes me to vomit in terror THEN run screaming. The very fact that one of the original Christmas songs on the CD is called “I Like Christmas” sends me running into the kitchen looking for something I can use to gouge out my eyes and puncture my eardrums.

Look, I haven’t listened to the CD and, sure, I’m passing judgement here awfully quickly, but it isn’t the album that is in question, it is the principal of the CD. I’m sorry that you were born into the wacko Lohan family, but I sure as hell don’t want to know or even think about what a “Lohan Christmas” might be like. I am going to cry myself to sleep at night knowing the nighmares of what the holiday season must be like around the Lohan household.

I’m thinking lots of crying, screaming and drug use…and that’s the pets.

Anyway, if you want to scare the kids like I do this year, blow up a copy of the cover of this one and hang it outside right next to the life-size cardboard cutout of Celine Dion and a DVD player showing David Carr’s performance against Tennessee last week. If that won’t send them screaming home to mommy, all hope is lost.

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