Greeting Cards Getting Too Specific

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My mom and I have a unique way of celebrating our mutual birthdays and Mother’s Day. Her birthday is May 1. My birthday is May 7 (Yes, you forgot it and I’ve deleted you from my Evite list as a result, so no more cat birthdays or cartoon marathon parties for you, sucka!). Mother’s Day is usually right in between or very close by.

Rather than trying to celebrate three holidays – and both of our birthdays are national holidays in several countries including Latvia and Burkina Faso – we choose to get together in the aftermath and celebrate quietly. We had lunch today and it was quite enjoyable.

But, when looking for birthday cards for my mom last week, I got the distinct impression that Hallmark, American Greetings and the rest of them are trying very hard to just nail it when it comes to card sentiment. Gone are the “Hope you have a wonderful birthday” and “You’re an awesome mom!” now replaced with long-winded and flowery language most of which don’t apply to me or my mom.

If they are going to do that, I figured it might be my shot to try my hand at greeting card writing – my fourth lifelong ambition after dunking a basketball without a trampoline, training to be a ninja and becoming the world’s first cyborg ninja who can dunk a basketball without a trampoline. Here are some suggestions for the greeting card magnates, who, we all know, are the heads of the secret world government. Duh!

Outside: Special thanks for my mom on her special day.
Inside: When I was born in that prison hospital and sent to an orphanage, my life seemed pretty bleak. But, once you got yourself out of the joint, it was only 15 years before you came looking for me – and begging my adoptive parents for cash. It took guts to be a crack whore and almost never bug me for money when I was in college. What I’m trying to say is, thanks for not kidnaping me as a teen and whoring me out for smack. Love Always!

Outside: To a great mom on her birthday.
Inside: Sure, you’re not my mom, but you should really be honored that I’ve chosen you to stalk. I keep that lock of hair I clipped from your head when you were sleeping with me at all times. I feel so close to you and, in truth, I am. I’m outside your window while you are reading this. Hiyeee! I love you SO much. Don’t ever leave! Seriously, don’t. xoxo.

Outside: To mom from your baby boy.
Inside: I know you are lonely since that bastard took off with that stripper and I’m the only thing you have left to fill the empty void in your existence, but don’t you think it’s a little creepy to buy yourself a birthday card and give it to yourself from me? I’m still an infant! Goo goo, gah gah means I love you!

Outside: To a crazy cat lady on her birthday.
Inside: You smell like cat pee and you’re close to having your house condemned, but you are one hell of a gal and all of us at county services love you. See you soon!

Outside: You are one bad ass mutha!
Inside: Sincerely, Samuel L. Jackson.

You’re welcome, Hallmark.

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