Dear Abby: Some Serious Monkey Business

I haven’t visited with my good buddy, Abby, lately. Most definitely an oversight on my part. But, this Dear Abby was simply impossible to resist.

DEAR ABBY: My friend “Suzy’s” husband recently got a pet monkey named “Jocko.” He and the monkey play games together. The problem is he has now begun ignoring Suzy in favor of the monkey.

Let me just start here. Visions of Michael Jackson (um, Wacko “Jocko”), little-remembered Mojo from the Simpsons (Pray for Mojo…) and Mike Meyers’ Deiter character from Saturday Night Live all immediately leap to mind.

I’m trying to figure out what “play games together” means. I really, REALLY do not want to go where I think this is headed, but there’s more evidence than even I can ignore.

When Suzy wants to have sex and asks him to come to bed, her husband refuses and tells her, “I’d rather spend time with Jocko.” That’s only the beginning. She told me she and her husband no longer share the same bed. He says, “Jocko needs company,” and he sleeps with it on the couch. He also has a special chair for Jocko at the table, etc.

Look, I love my cats. I do. But, er, uh, wow. He’d rather “spend time” with his monkey. Perhaps he is petting him. Oh, this is just getting worse. I want to be funny, but this needs little commentary.

I feel very bad for Suzy, but she doesn’t want to break up with him. She thinks it’s a passing fad. What should I do? — BILL IN BRONX, N.Y.

Ok, we’re getting a little more to the heart of the matter here. First, how can Suzy think this is a fad? Playing with your monkey instead of sex? Hmmm…maybe there is no monkey. Maybe, when Bill says “monkey” he really means “porn” and “playing” is really “masturbating.” That’s my best guess, which brings us to who wrote the letter: Bill.

I’m dubious that this is not so much a case of simian love as it is some guy named Bill in the Bronx looking for a little monkey lovin’ of his own with a certain Suzy. Who writes Dear Abby to complain about a “monkey?” For that matter, why does a married woman confide her ape problems with some dude from the Bronx. Brooklyn I could see. It’s full of strange people with weird pets, but the Bronx?

DEAR BILL: This couple has deeper problems than a simian in the household. I speak from personal experience when I say that monkeys do not make good house pets. (My mother had two cinnamon ringtail monkeys for about six months when I was a child. Among other things, they cannot be housebroken.)

I freaking LOVE that Abby has personal experience with monkeys in her house. I cannot tell you what joy I derive from picturing Abby in a home with monkeys. It brings a smile to me immediately.

When a husband would rather monkey around with his monkey than monkey around with his wife, you know the marriage is in serious trouble. My advice to you is to take a giant step backward, but before you do, recommend to Suzy that she discuss the situation with a marriage counselor. She and her husband need more help than I can offer in a letter.

“Monkey around with his monkey?” BAH HA HA HA!!! I’m sure he is “touching his monkey” even if it isn’t a “real” monkey or even if he isn’t having Biblical relations with a real, live primate.

I guess Abby’s recommendation of marriage counseling is appropriate, but I personally would call a trainer or perhaps a zoologist. I wonder if Jane Goodall is available.