Bourbon = Classy

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I don’t know if Wild Turkey is hard up for business or what, but they have started a marketing campaign recently that confuses the hell out of me.

I’ve heard maybe a half dozen radio ads for the bourbon recently and all of them act as if bourbon is like soda or something. One has a bunch of guys sitting around playing poker. There are the obvious references to the host being “whipped” – as in pussy whipped, but none of them have enough balls to actually say that in a commercial – when the guy tells them not to smoke inside.

The joke here is that, “Well, at least we’ve got our Wild Turkey.”

There’s a group of tailgaters at a football game passing around the Wild Turkey like it’s Budweiser. There’s a bunch of guys watching a game that clearly sucks, but who cares as long as there is bourbon in the hiz-ouse, dawg!

My favorite is a guy talking to two girls who both want to go to a concert. Problem – he only has two tickets and they are both hot. What to do? In Shakespearian aside-like fashion, he tells the audience he’ll put the unsuspecting vixens through the old Wild Turkey test.

We can only assume that, given the nature of the FCC and commercial radio, this does not involve a turkey baster or meat thermometer.

He offers bourbon to his dates and one grabs it up like she had been walking through the desert for a week and that was her first sip of water. The other says, in classic whiny girl voice, “No, I’m drinking wine. You should try it. It’s fruity!” It even has that squeak at the end of “fruity” just to show you what a pain in the ass she is.

The fruity-wine-drinking chick then says to the other girl, “I didn’t know you drank bourbon,” to which the clearly much cooler girl replies, “Yeah, I LOVE it!”

Ok, for the moment I’m going to ignore the stupidity of the commercials. They are lame beyond belief and make me want to pull my car over to the first liqour store and destroy every bottle of Wild Turkey I can find just for having heard it. I’m also going to ignore the “we’re a bunch of neanderthal mens who only likes us football, poker and girls wif boobies” references. I cannot deny my gender’s propensities at times.

I will, however, mention the fact that one girl is given favor over another because of her love of BOURBON!!! This is freaking whiskey we are talking about. This is the crap that cowboys in westerns drink straight out of a bottle after pulling the cork out with their teeth. This is what hard core alcoholics call their drink of choice.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m thinking girl who loves bourbon doesn’t exactly place her in the red zone on the Classy-o-Meter if you know what I mean. Chances are she’s either a raging alcoholic who will puke on the floorboards of your new Mustang (yes, any dude cool enough to get two hot chicks to fight over his concert tickets through a wiskey contest has all the mad flava) or she’s some kind of lunatic with a death wish.

Either way, you don’t want her near you for any extended period of time.

I’m guessing that Wild Turkey is trying to make bourbon the “beer of hard liquor.” That’s a great idea! Why didn’t I think of that? Oh, that’s right, because I’m SOBER.

Oh, and one last thing. Always drink responsibly. This is what they tell you at the end of these commercials. They are obligated to do so by the FCC. They say it as fast as possible like a car dealer ripping off all the reasons why this great deal the commercial just told you about is really a just a crappy deal for a turd on wheels.

Some will even say, “Please live responsibly.” What the hell does that mean? Hey, here’s one way to live responsibly – don’t DRINK bourbon!!! Because, if you do on a regular basis as if it is some sort of wine cooler, DWI will be the least of your worries. Try rehab.