We May Leave the Light on For Ya, But Not the Pr0n

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Being able to purchase porn in a hotel room is as American as absconding from your Hilton room with the bath robes or filling your ice chest at the ice machine at Motel 6 before hitting the road.

Not that I would watch porn in a hotel room. My delicate sensibilities would be forever damaged by such salacious viewing options. Heavens me!

But, I wouldn’t deny any red-blooded American Dick or Jane the opportunity…nay, the RIGHT to get his or her freak on in the privacy of a freshly bleached hotel room. There are those among us who would do whatever is in their power to protect America from the scourge of hotel room adult film viewing.

After all, a guy could come into town, get all hopped up from watching a porn flick, jump on some girl scout and break her cookies. Well, that’s the reasoning Michael Keaton gave to Henry Winkler in Night Shift. Of course, he was trying to convince Winkler to become a pimp for Shelly Long, but that’s beside the point.

Pornographic movies now seem nearly as pervasive in America’s hotel rooms as tiny shampoo bottles, and the lodging industry shows little concern as conservative activists rev up a protest campaign aimed at triggering a federal crackdown.

A coalition of 13 conservative groups – including the Family Research Council and Concerned Women for America – took out full-page ads in some editions of USA Today earlier this month urging the Justice Department and FBI to investigate whether some of the pay-per-view movies widely available in hotels violate federal and state obscenity laws.

“These are places that you take your family – these are respectable institutions,” said Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council. “Anything that brings porn into the mainstream is a concern. It just desensitizes people.”

Do you hear that, America? You are being brainwashed…by Jenna Jameson! Who does that little tramp think she is anyway? First, she rides the Sybian on Howard Stern and now she is trying to corrupt honest, hard-working business men (and women – at least we can hope) who just want to try and relax after a hard day on the road.

How dare she?

Ok, all kidding aside here, let me just dissect this for a moment if you’ll indulge me. For those of you in a hotel checking this out via wireless, you might need to pause your rented version of Sex Trek: the Next Penetration for just a moment.

The leader of the campaign against in-room porn is Phil Burress, a self-described former porn addict who heads the Cincinnati-based Citizens for Community Values.

If there is one guy we can trust, it’s a self-described former porn addict now running a family values organization. Lord knows we need someone in charge who knows his porn. After all, without this guy, the average person out there wouldn’t know Linda Lovelace from Chasey Lain or Nikki Tyler from Asia Carrera. Pfft, c’mon people. You’ve got to know your enemy.

(And if you think I’m just putting in the names of porn actresses to increase my Google ranking, well maybe I am or maybe I am.)

Though unable to cite specific cases, Burress contended that the availability of in-room porn is making hotels more dangerous.

Who needs statistics when you have God on your side? Oh, that’s right, pretty much everyone who wants to know the truth. But, that’s just nit picking. I mean, you can’t argue with this…

“As more and more of these (hardcore) titles become available, we’re going to have sexual abuse cases coming out of the hotels,” he said. “Hotels are just as dangerous as environments around strip joints and porn stores.”

As Dr. Evil said, “Riiiiiiiiiiggghht…” Ok, so let me see if I follow. Normal businessmen staying at, oh I don’t know, the Four Seasons gets so hopped up on porn that they go out a rapin’. I can see it now. Hilton has to hire security to protect against the gang violence surrounding the hotel. Like a pawn shop, the Embassy Suites has to put bars up on the doors, posts signs asking you to remove the ammo from your guns before bringing them inside and buzzes you in after they give you the once over on the close circuit tv behind the counter right next to the sawed off shotgun.

I think this guy gave up porn for crack because it sounds like that’s what he’s been smoking with this quote. Yeah, I’m absolutely certain that hotels that offer porn are going to be like 24-hour bookstores a few blocks over from the docks. If this guy ever goes to Vegas, I think he’ll just drop dead from a coronary.

Either that or he’ll fall off the wagon, order up some porn, a couple hookers and snort coke off of their backsides while chugging whiskey and shouting the lyrics to “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.”

At least that’s what happens in my mind.

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