First, dropped by their label of like 30 years, now this. Oh, Van Halen, what has happened to you? The downhill slide started with 1984 and progressed through the disaster that was Gary Cirrone. Sigh.
Legendary guitarist EDDIE VAN HALEN has signed a deal to supply two original songs for the soundtrack to director MICHAEL NINN’s latest porn project. The WHEN IT’S LOVE hitmaker is the first famous rock star to record new material especially for an adult movie, and new tunes RISE and CATHERINE will feature in SACRED SIN, reports PageSix.com. And Van Halen is not concerned about being criticised for promoting pornography: “I’m working with a friend – very simple. I like his work. “Michael Ninn is like (STEVEN) SPIELBERG to me: the imagery, the way he makes things look, just sensual.”
Good GOD, did Eddie Van Halen just compare a porn director to Seven Spielberg??? Grandpa Van Halen already creeps everyone out with that sunken in look he has from all the smoking and drinking, but now he’s a porn conoisseur. Outstanding! I can hear Valerie Bertinelli’s relatives now…”For God’s sake, keep the kids away from Uncle Eddie!”
Since porn is so nortorious for taking famous film titles and spoofing them (The Sex Files, Sex Trek: The Next Penetration, among others), I figured this would be a good place to do the same to Van Halen songs. You know, Hump, Cummin’ with the Devil, Happy Tails, etc.
But, then I realized, they have plenty of song titles that need no change to fit right in with the porn industry. What a shock!
Eruption
Feel Your Love Tonight
Bottom’s Up
Spanish Fly
Women in Love (lesbian porn)
And the Cradle Will Rock (barely legal)
Diver Down (album title no less)
Dirty Movies
Sinners Swing
Push Cums to Shove (spelling changed for effect)
Intruder
Drop Dead Legs
Hot for Teacher
Girls Gone Bad
House of Pain (S&M)
Best of Both Worlds (threesomes and bisexuality)
Inside
Source of Infection (though that sounds more like an educational video)
Feels So Good
Finish What Ya Started
Poundcake
Pleasure Dome
In ‘N’ Out
I guess VH was just built for porn! Whoopadeedoo!
Honestly, I was hesitant to post this many references to the sex industry in fear of all the spam that could be headed my way, but what the hell. I may also get a bunch of hits from it and even without key phrases like anal penetration, barely legal teens and hot girl-on-girl action. Oops.