Top 10 Things I Learned From Watching CNN Today

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I learned a lot of things watching the disaster – or as Michael might put it, the “nightmare, horrifying nightmare” – that was the conclusion of the Michael Jackson child molestation trial today. Besides learning that Wolf Blitzer isn’t just a catchy name, it’s also a tempting fragrance, here are the ten things came to mind…

10. “The judge is on the bench” is apparently a complex enough phrase that it must be repeated 100 times in a row for clarity.

9. No matter how intriguing or important the question, updates on the live audio feed are ALWAYS more important.

8. The car in front of the procession of black SUV’s carrying Michael and his family MAY have been with the family or a fan trying to get a photo or just someone else on the highway. We’ll let you know the minute we find out.

7. When cars turn right onto the highway, they make a right turn.

6. Michael’s sister LaToya is in fact Janet…until Janet comes in and we all realize the announcer didn’t actually know who he was looking at.

5. A black umbrella being opened outside of Michael’s SUV is a “familiar sight.”

4. 30 minutes actually means 2 hours.

3. It is clear that jurors like each other because they apparently have inside jokes.

2. Wolf Blitzer, for all his experience, knows very little about courtroom proceedings as he continuously asks stupid questions about them.

And the number 1 thing I learned from CNN’s coverage of the acquittal of Michael Jackson is…

Jermaine’s son is named Jermajesty.

Thank you and goodnight everybody!

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