Some Things You Just Don’t Want Back

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Everyone knows I love Dear Abby. Today’s letter caused me great consternation. Read along, please.

Dear Abby:

Honesty pays. I received a call today from a gentleman who had picked up a large cardboard box that I had left at the recycling center.

I feel good things are coming. Obviously, the guy found something of value and this woman is thrilled with his honesty. What could it be…a cell phone, a diary, important medical or legal documents? Let’s find out, shall we?

When he removed the Styrofoam “peanuts” to pack his merchandise, he discovered a large summer sausage from a well-known company.

Ok, wait, what? This guy is rummaging through the dumpster at a recycling place to get a box. No biggie. But, this woman is thrilled with the guy because he found her…summer sausage? Am I the only one who immediately throws the sausage away when I find it in a dumpster? Am I wrong for thinking it was supposed to be there in the first place.

I guess this is a recycling bin and not made for perishables, but I still don’t think you keep it, let alone do what comes next.

Instead of playing “finders keepers” and enjoying the sausage himself, he took the trouble to look at our address on the packing label and find our phone number in the directory.

Why would anyone “enjoy” a sausage they found in a dumpster? I’ve been a vegetarian for a while, so you guys will have to clear something up for me. Meat still goes bad when not refrigerated, right? As far as I know, Dow hasn’t invented some wonder preservative that keeps summer sausage fresh even when left outside in a hot dumpster, correct?

Ok, but I’m still confused. Would anyone else pull out the peanuts from a box in a dumpster, see a summer sausage and immediately think, “Hmmmm, I wonder if someone lost this,”? And, even if they had, do you really think returning it now makes ANY difference? What are they going to do, have salmonella with their cheese and crackers?

How fortunate for him that he was so ethical!

The sausage had been a Christmas gift from 2004, which we had overlooked when we unpacked the box. It sat in a storage area, unrefrigerated, for a year when we decided to recycle. Had he munched on that morsel, he would surely have gotten his “just desserts.”

Setting aside the pithy pun in the last sentence, what makes ANYONE think that this guy is going to find a sausage in a dumpster and just go to town? I can see him now. “Damn, what a break! I just found lunch!” What is he, homeless? The sausage is TWO FREAKING YEARS OLD! That thing should be stinking like a sweaty jock strap.

Plus, I’m still totally confused by the looking up the people on the box too. I guess he thinks returning a spoiled sausage deserves a reward…but, wait.

Instead, he received a nice chocolate fudge cake from us as a reward for his courtesy.

OVERHASTY RECYCLER in New Mexico

Dude DID get a reward! He got a chocolate cake in exchange for the stinky old sausage he found in a dumpster. And all this time I thought food in the garbage was…well…garbage. Live and learn.

As an aside, I love that her name is “OVERHASTY RECYCLER” as if a sausage from Christmas 2004 qualifies as something worth saving

God bless you, Abby!

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