Sensory Observations from my Trip to Target

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I like Target. Maybe that makes me a girl or maybe it just makes me urban since my rural counterparts favor Wal Mart. Maybe it means nothing. In fact, that’s probably most likely.

But, I needed to pick up a few items and what better way to kill an hour on a gloomy Saturday before the football game starts when all you’ve done all day is watch Bravo’s 100 Greatest Television Characters while eating pizza? I seriously can’t think of a better idea.

So, I hopped in the family truckster and headed over the new Target off I-10 and Taylor Street to pick up cleaning supplies and a cool t-shirt with Mr. Rogers on it that says “It’s All Good in the Hood.” No, that wasn’t on my list, but it ended up in the cart. Go figure.

I did observe some interesting things while on my journey trek sojourn trip to the big red bullseye. Let me share them with you.

First off, three different radio stations were playing Police songs. I know what you are thinking. But, in my defense, I had already listened to the copy of Richard Pryor’s “Live on the Sunset Strip” that had been leant to me and I wasn’t in the mood to dig through my CD’s for something else, so I turned on commercial radio, as horrifying as that is. Sue me. Anyway, more on the Police in a minute, but what is it, Police weekend?

When I got to Target, I noticed that, as per usual, there were a lot of attractive people in the store. This is not all that odd, particularly at the San Felipe location where it seems that most of the people there dress better for shopping than I dress for meetings with clients. I was going to say “for church on Sunday,” but we all know that doesn’t happen.

This isn’t to say I was looking like a slob, though I’m not sure I’d consider my Pac Man ringer-tee to be a high fashion statement. Now, a Ms Pac Man ringer-tee. That would be the shiz.

All the women were young and obviously married. Besides being blinded by the glare of the giant ass cubic zirconias diamonds on their ring fingers, there is just a certain look common to the semi-urban wife-on-the-go that stinks of “I’m such a happy newlywed.” It’s hard to miss.

Most interesting was that all the guys in the store that weren’t just the other side of chubby and attached to the hip of a woman far too attractive to be with them (even though they were) were obviously gay. One guy was there with his partner wearing a baby blue driving cap…not that there’s anything wrong with that. Him being gay I mean. Everything is wrong with the cap.

Sorry ladies. I guess since I’m taken, all that are left for picking up at Target are gay men and dudes that some other woman wasn’t smart enough to turn down. (What? I keed! I keed!)

There were also a few things I overheard that are worthy of mentioning. There was the conversation between the girl and her boyfriend as he was helping pick out a digital camera for her that he was obviously going to purchase. Despite his efforts to find the one most suitable, she was fixated on the one that happened to be pink. They chortled about her girliness and his guyness and how silly it all was. How droll.

There was also one of the aforementioned obviously married women walking along and talking on her phone rather loudly behind me. I first heard “Ok, mama” as I walked away from her and thought, “Hmmm…must be on the phone with mom.” This was until she caught up to me at the checkout still chatting and saying things like, “Yeah, you go girrrrrl!” Look, I’m not the urban phrase police or anything, but there are far fewer things more disconcerting that hearing a VERY anglo woman in a store filled with people of all races loudly getting her vocal shwirve on.

Oh, ladies of my pallid complexion, let me offer a suggestion. When you are feeling very Oprah Florence from the Jeffersons and want to whip out what you consider a hip phrase or two perhaps accompanied by a finger wag or a sassy snap of the fingers, re-consider and stick with something more familiar. Try something more Sex in the City or even a longing sigh followed by “Oh, Mister Grant!” Much more appropriate for our people.

Back to my tale…

On the way home was when my senses were most greatly assaulted. After playing some killer steering wheel drums to an Evanescence song (I’m a badass steering wheel drummer), I flipped over to the third Police song of the trip. This one was Synchronicity II, one of my favorites, playing on 103.7 KLOI. It was just about over so I listened to the end and didn’t think to change the channel when the dj came on – clearly a huge mistake in retrospect.

At that moment, something happened that gives me yet another reason to turn off my stero before ripping the radio part out of the dash and heaving off the freeway and into White Oak Bayou.

Pam Kelly, former Buzz and now KLOI dj, said, “That was Synchronicity two by the Police…” Problem number one was that she pronounced it “sing-kro-NAH-sih-tee”. It would be bad enough if she made this verbal mistake once or if this was some obscure song, but she said it several times and this was the title of the Police’s most popular album! What the hell? My high school English teacher is rolling in her…er…she’s still alive, so she’s just highly aggitated let’s say.

But, that wasn’t the really disturbing problem. The worst part is what she said next, “What I’d like to know is what happened to Synchronicity one? Anyone know where that is? Yeah, me either.”

Let me just pause and say that if you aren’t a Police fan or don’t have the CD, obviously, no big deal here if you don’t fully appreciate this travesty. It would be like someone asking me about a Pink Floyd album. I’d be clueless.

But, this is a frickin’ dj and one with quite a few years of experience on Houston radio and she doesn’t know how to pronounce the name of the song and, most importantly, realize that Synchronicity I is THE FIRST TRACK ON THE CD!!!

You know where it went, Pam, do ya? Nowhere! It’s right where it has always been, five tracks before the song you just played!

Sad and pathetic and annoying. The trifecta.

That was my trip to Target. I’m about to go to Kroger to get a few food supplies. I doubt it will constitute a whole blog entry, but you never know!

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