Save Us from the Un-Holy Fashion!

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I hated dress codes in school – HATED them. The year after I left, my high school instituted a dress code policy that included no long hair. A number of my friends who were still going there shaved their heads in protest. The school couldn’t exactly ban that activity.

Today, I happened to read the Bob Jones University dress code. I find it funny enough that America’s ultra-right-wing college sports the initials “BJU,” something I thought would be reserved for someplace a little more wild, like the University of Miami, but whatever.

Here’s the dress code as stated for men:

Dress Code for Men

General Dress:

Hair must be cut in a traditional, conservative style-not shaved, spiked, tangled, or shelved. It may not be colored or highlighted.

Ok, I guess I understand that they want nice, clean-cut, all American boys. But this does eliminate a lot of possibilities. What about flat tops? They are shaved and probably the most conservative haircut ever. No highlights? What if they guy’s hair gets light in the sun? So many questions. Let’s move on…

Sideburns should not extend past the middle of the ear. Men are expected to remain clean-shaven.

No facial hair? They probably will want to shave those paintings of Jesus then – and, while you’re at it, get him a haircut. He’s so unkempt.

Necklaces, earrings, and bracelets are not permitted.

Earrings I get, but no necklaces or bracelets. Oh, right, too gay, unless of course they are dog tags from your military service. Oh, who am I kidding? The military is SO gay!

– Hats may not be worn indoors except in the gym.
– Men are not permitted to get tattoos or wear body piercings.

Hats? Fine. That’s a Texas un-written rule too. How exactly are they going to know who has a tattoo or piercing? Are they doing quarterly strip searches. Well, so much for that devil tattoo with the 666 in the middle of its forehead I wanted.

Oh, this is my favorite…

Abercrombie & Fitch and its subsidiary Hollister have shown an unusual degree of antagonism to the name of Christ and an unusual display of wickedness in their promotions. In protest, we will not allow articles displaying their logos to be worn, carried, or displayed (even if covered or masked in some way).

“Unusual display of wickedness…” this comedy writes itself.

Morning Dress-dress shirt (no denim/chambray) with tie, dress or neat casual pants (no jeans, cargo, carpenter, or sloppy pants), dress or leather casual shoes; sweaters should show shirt collar and tie knot (no sweatshirts).

Well, thank God no “denim/chambray” shirts. What is this, a ranch or 1985? No jeans is like a sin against all things holy when you are in college. And what exactly are “sloppy pants?” I’d like to buy a pair for myself.

Afternoon Dress-collared shirt (no crew necks), neat casual pants, dress or casual shoes (no slides or sandals), socks above the ankle, sweatshirts or sweaters.

No t-shirts. Ouch. Even prisoners get to wear t-shirts. Maybe that’s why prisons are full of crazy people. If they made them wear collars, then they’d be disciplined. Why in God’s name would they define socks as “above the ankle?” How high above the ankle? What the hell does that mean?

And, am I the only one who finds the fact that everyone must have a wardrobe for different times of the day a little on the weird side?

Sunday Dress-coat, tie, and dress shirt; dress shoes; dress or dressier casual pants.

Because God is really concerned about how you look in church.

Recreation and Work Dress-jeans, t-shirts, shorts at athletic facilities (not as spectators at sports events), sleeveless athletic shirts (indoor activities only), socks required (including at work).

Hey, jeans and t-shirts. Woot! But, no sleeveless shirts unless you are a heathen or practicing “indoor activities.” Socks are always required. These guys have a sock fetish.

So, there you have it, the dress code for men. It’s even better for the women.

Dress Code for Women

Classroom/general dress consists of a dress or top and skirt; however, pants may be worn for some recreational activities. Shorts may never be worn outside the residence halls and fitness center.

Pants may only be worn for SOME recreational activities. Jeebus, skrits are such a pain and far hotter than pants anyway. I’d be pissed if I were a woman. Oh, and no shorts. Nice.

Tops:

Tops must be long enough that the midriff is never exposed.

Ok, wait. They want their men to be completely hetero, but they won’t let them get tattoos or wear jeans & t-shirt AND they won’t allow them to look at a woman’s stomach? How gay is this place?

Sleeves are required. (Sleeveless tops and dresses may be worn with a blouse, jacket, or sweater.)

In Victorian times, this would be so beyond hot. All they got were forheads. These guys get forearms. Oh, baby!

Necklines may come no lower than four fingers below the collarbone.

I’m ok with this as long as the fingers in question are the foam variety you get at sporting events. In that case, four fingers below the collarbone is perfectly acceptable for a neckline.

Skirts:

Hemlines and slits or other openings should never come higher than the bottom of the knee.

Then, why even wear a skirt in the first place. Why not put these women in nun uniforms? Oh, right, they still need to make babies and nuns gave it up to Jesus. My bad. Ok, then why not go the Muslim route and have them covered head to toe? Right, that’s for “crazy” religions. My mistake.

Denim skirts may be worn for casual dress (not to class or other professional-type events).

What is a “professional-type” event? And what woman would wear a denim skirt this decade anyway?

Pants:

Loose-fitting pants may be worn between women’s residence halls, for athletic events, and to homes in the area.

Loose-fitting the key phrase here. Where’s the fun in that? Oh, right, no fun.

Loose-fitting jeans may be worn between women’s residence halls and when participating in activities where the durability of the fabric is important, such as skiing and ice-skating.

Does anyone actually ski in jeans? I’m not from up north or anything, but help me out with this one.

Ease:

All dresses, skirts, pants, and shirts must be loose-fitting, having a minimum of three inches of ease at bust and hips.

I love how they define moo-moo’s as “ease” wear. Three inches of ease in a dress? You may as well dress in sackcloth or a burlap bag. I guess that means if you are a size 4, you better get a 10 just to be safe.

An informal way to measure ease is to stand up straight and pinch the loose fabric on both sides of the hips or at the bust line. Without stretching the fabric, there should be at least a 3/4-inch fold of fabric on both sides.

LOL!!! Oh, man. Hilarious! I swear this is not from some 50’s school dress manual. This is for right now.

Other

Sheer clothing may be worn only when the garment underneath conforms to normal dress regulations.

Do layers require three inches of “ease” as well? If so, not only is it not insulating, it’s like wearing layers of blankets in the snow. That’s very practical for hauling books around campus.

Hose must be worn for all professional-type activities including class, church, and recitals.

Hose? Oh, ladies, I’m so sorry. Really, I am. But, they didn’t say anything about fishnet!

Combat boots, hiking boots, or shoes that give this appearance are not permitted.

Translated: No dyke-wear allowed.

Hairstyles should be neat, orderly, and feminine. Avoid cutting-edge fads and cuts so short that they take on a masculine look.

This has GOT to be my favorite. By their standards, this version of Charlize Theron is too masculine:

while this version of Charlize (from her movie, Monster) is perfectly acceptable:

Seriously, this is just sad. I feel sorry for them. They are so damn scared that anyone might possibly look lesbian, they are doing everything possible to turn every girl on campus into a Barbie doll. Very nice.

Students are not permitted to get tattoos. Excessive makeup is not permitted. Earrings may be worn only in the lobe of the ear (maximum of two matched sets). All other types of body piercings are prohibited.

Ok, again, who is checking? Can they really say, “Ok, time to check for genital piercings.”??? Now, on top of all this, they want all this non-lesbian thing, but they also want asexual as in no “excessive” makeup. Who the hell are these women?

Please note the statement concerning Abercrombie & Fitch under Men’s General Dress.

Lastly, a reminder for all you whores who would show up in clothing that defiles our God.

I’m so glad I’m no longer in school. So, this is to you BJU…my your students always be hetero (or at least firmly in the closet) and may you never see a breast or penis as long as you all shall live. Amen.

Don’t believe me? See for yourself.

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