Nickname Support: Helping PETA Save the Sea Kittens

Not sure if you saw this, but PETA (the organization, not the delicious flat bread made from puppies and hedge hogs) has decided we should all start referring to fish as “sea kittens” hoping a name change would make us view fish differently and, therby, stop consuming their delicious, juicy fish flesh.

This, much like when they sent bloody cow mascots to school lunchrooms in an effort to explain why people put ketchup on meatloaf (I only assume that’s what it was for because the alternative is, well, ridiculous), is a FANTASTIC idea. Re-naming animals to sweeter, more innocent nicknames will totally make me want to eat them less meat and by less I mean I’ll stop putting bacon in my cereal at least once a week.

And before you start splattering paint on all my fur coats thinking I’m some kind of monster that kills endangered species simply for their juicy, succulent deliciousness…mmmm…polar bear…wait, what? Oh, right, I WAS a vegetarian (don’t say it, Fuzzball!), so I can totally discuss this as if I had a PhD in vegan (they offer it a Berkeley from what I hear).

Here is my list of names PETA should consider using to help us all feel better about eating saving animals we might normally hunt and kill eat. I tried to stick with animals commonly found on the average American dinner table, but you can add your own.

Chickens – Crate Cuddlers

Turkeys – Sir or Madame Peckenstein

Lobster – Opposite of Sea Roaches (it’s catchy, right?)

Cows – Jolly Ranchers

Elephants – Stompies

Slugs – Snuggly Bugs

Monkeys – Almost Humans

Parrots – Sweet Talkers

Dingo – Puppies…That Kill You and Steal Your Baby (what?)

Iguana – Jungle Rabbits

I was going to say “bunnies,” but I think that might be offensive to, you know, Christians because of the Easter Bunny and all.

Feel free to add your own. As for me, I’m off to enjoy the flavors of a delicious stompy steak covered in sir peckinstein gravy. Mmmm…stompy…