Keanu, Why Must Thou Sucketh So Much?

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When the best cinematic moment of your film career – at least in terms of acting – can be summed up by one word, “Whoa!” you are probably not a great actor. God bless him and his barely-removed-from-Malibu-surfing-school approach to film.

I’m watching Matrix Reloaded last night. Why? Because nothing else is on TV and I don’t want to go back to the computer yet. The Rockets kicked ass and the Queer Eye guys made over some crazy ass hippie dude. That was fun, but it is over and I’m in that point between entertainment, sleep, work and goofing off on the computer that just begs for bad television.

Anyway, I loved the first Matrix movie. The second one was mildly interesting considering the bizarre mix of the intense freeway scene and gratuitious use of the word “ergo” by The Architect. The third, well, let’s not go there.

But, what made them all close to suck wasn’t the filmmakers’ s&m fetish, the silly religious overtones (I mean, Neo looking like he is crucified at the end?), the all-rubber outfits, the cave rave or even the quick switch of the Oracle when the actress who played her in the first two films passed away (think the aunt switch in Fresh Prince of Bellair or the different Darren’s in Bewitched). No, what brought these films to their celluloid knees was the stellar acting of Keanu Reeves.

I like a lot of his films. Granted, he should never EVER appear in a romantic comedy and putting him alongside real actors like Morgan Freeman or Al Pacino only makes him seem more like Bill (or was it Ted?) in a totally excellent adventure. But, the action in his films has been good and he’s clearly dedicated to physically performing well despite the ridiculous oversized upper torso he posseses.

Sure, it’s fun to watch him attempt to surf in Point Break or do some crazy martial arts in the Matrix, but at some point, don’t you have to act? It isn’t like he’s Ah-nold – some overly beefy action star who can barely speak English. Keanu isn’t beefy at all. Now, his English on the other hand…

But, seriously, get some lessons. Read a book. Call James Lipton! Something. Anything.

Just don’t get in a scene with a maniacal Dennis Hopper and honestly expect us to believe that you can be crazier. NO ONE does crazy like Hopper and just because you are the star of the movie doesn’t mean you can act with him. Besides, we all know that Sandra Bullock stole every scene in that movie from you anyway.

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