To be fair to myself (and to vibrators in general), the last time I wrote about sex toys, it was about a dildo lamp. Before that it was about the Blow Guard, so saying “again” is maybe not an accurate statement, but whatever, perv, no one asked you.
Today’s installment of “what a perv wants” is brought to you by the folks at OhMiBod, which is funny because it reminds me of a gay friend of mine I knew years ago who used to say “Ee, my, oh” as a shorthand for “Oh. My. God.” This is the same guy that told me he wanted a t-shirt for Christmas that said “BOMFDQ” on it because that stood for “Big Ol’ Mother Fucking Drama Queen.” As you can tell, he was awesome squared.
Anyway, OhMiBod is here to provide you
colored glow sticks vibrating devices that attach to your iPod or iPhone.
“Big deal,” you say in an alarming yet intrigued tone, “Why should I, (insert perv name here), want some colored vibrator that attaches to my iPod?” Well, gentle sir or freaky madam, I’ll tell you. These products vibrate to the music.
It’s reminiscent of my 4th grade teacher, Mr. Snider (not like that, you weirdo!), who had these speakers that would light up with colored lights when the music would play. In fact, it is exactly like that except his speakers wouldn’t fit in your vagina…comfortably.
OhMiBod offers a number of different models including the Naughtibod, which is kind of like rave sticks that you place in your various orifices, the standard OhMiBod, a less fancy version of the Naughtibod, the GSpot attachment for the OhMiBod, and the BodiTalk and BodiTalkescort that vibrate whenever your phone rings – no word what it does when someone beeps in on call waiting.
I guess the iPod products make sense. If you feel like getting your freak on to some Nine Inch Nails, Prince, Zero 7 or Weird Al Yankovic (hey, for all I know, curly hair and polka music does it for you), who am I to judge? It might be fun for those of you who like vibrating devices pulsating slow jams inside your body (and who doesn’t?). There are even groups on iTunes where people suggest the best songs for bringing on the Big O.
On the other hand, I’m not sure I get the BodiTalk items. Besides being the name of a cheesy Ratt song from the Golden Child soundtrack (yes, I knew that off the top of my head because I am awesome!), I’m just not sure the description sells it for me.
Boditalkâ„¢ is activated by calls made to or from your cell phone when in close range. The cell signal triggers a unique 3 pattern vibrating sequence that lasts for the entire call – enabling you to “get off while you’re on.”
Ok, if you are talking to your partner, fine, but that would be really creepy if it was your best friend (unless you’re into that you naughty vixen) your boss or…grandma!? God, you’re such a sicko!
I think this BodiTalkescort is even more confusing.
Boditalk escort is the perfect vibe to keep hidden in those secret places and will turn any call into an orgasmic surprise. Its discreet design makes it the perfect companion for passion on the go. Also converts to manual multi-speed vibe…2 products in 1!
It’s perfect for the perv “on the go.” So, if you are jogging or buying groceries or getting dental work done, you can have this bad boy ready to roll at the hint of a phone call. I’m sure it would be particularly effective in a long, boring meeting or in confession. How many Hail Mary’s do you think you’d have to say if the priest found out you had a cell-phone-activated vibrator in your pants while you were in the confessional? I’m guessing he’d punish you by spanking your naughty little bottom. Wait, is that what really happens or was that just from Naughty Nuns 6: Father O’Henry’s Revenge? Whatever.
Anyway, if you like these sorts of things – and you know you do – pick yourself up a few. I was going to insert a joke here about “good vibrations,” but I feel sorry enough for Brian Wilson as it is.