Devil Worshippers and Cheating Ho’s on This Edition of Dear Abby

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The letters to Abby this week have been filled with the crazy. Gotta love them. Seriously, I mean you really have to love them. It’s a law.

The first is below. The second will be on its way later today.

Exhibit a:

Dear Abby:

I need your advice on how to break an engagement with my fiance, whose tour of duty in Iraq has been extended four more months. He has been there eight months, and during his absence I met someone else I would like to start dating.

I didn’t want to stress out my fiance, and I wanted to wait until he returned to talk to him, but now I feel too guilty, so I need to address it soon. Please help me.

FEELING GUILTY, Memphis, Tenn.

To quote Troy McClure from the Simpsons, “That took allotta class.” Basically, this girl got tired of waiting for her FIANCE (not just some guy she was dating randomly) who is AT WAR and had his stay extended, so she moved on. Nevermind how incredibly selfish and immature it is to bail on your fiance or the fact that he is putting his life on the line every day. What gets me is that she feels the need to tell him because SHE feels guilty.

What a great idea! Send your soldier ex a letter saying something like…

Dear John,

These last eight months have been totally hard on me. I know that you face torture and death every day, but, I’m like so sad here all by myself with nothing but my friends, my family, my job and the comforts of home. It sucks!

So, like, I know this is not like the best way to tell you, but remember when I said I was going out with my friends and they were making me feel better about you being gone and all? Well, by “friends,” I meant this cute guy I met in the mall after I got my nails done. And by “making me feel better, ” I meant having sex with me in the bathroom near the food court.

Anyways, I’m sorry for like all the guns and dirt and stuff you have to deal with, but I really think this guy is da bomb and he has a new Mustang which is all pimped out. It’s such a sweet ride.

So, let’s like just be friends and stuff. You’re such a good guy – all that fighting for our freedom is just totally awesome. Take care and stay sweet.

xoxo,

Biyatch

P.S. Um, oh yeah, and your dog died because I forgot to feed him, but he was 5, which is like really old in dog years.

Above all else, let’s make sure YOU feel better. It’s not like “John” is doing anything important like putting his life on the line for his country.

Thankfully, Abby handled things perfectly in her response.

It’s time to grow up and think about someone other than yourself. There is something more important right now than assuaging your guilt. It’s making sure that nothing distracts your fiance from the job he is doing – and will be doing until he is safely back home.

Under no circumstances should you write him a “Dear John” letter or tell him anything that could unnerve or depress him. If you feel guilty now, how do you think you would feel if he were injured or killed after you dumped that kind of news on him? I can’t stress strongly enough how important it is that you put his feelings first right now. What you have in mind can wait until his tour of duty is behind him.

Nicely done, Abs!

I’ll be back later today with Abby’s response to a woman convinced she is living in the same neighborhood with a devil worhipper and/or a Nazi skinhead. Seriously.

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