Dear Abby v. Low Rise Pants

I read Dear Abby. That sounds weird, right? That’s ok. I’m weird.

Anyway, this letter today cracked me the hell up…

Dear Abby:

I need your input. Young women today are wearing low-rise pants, short tops and thong underwear. While my wife and I were dining at a restaurant the other night, a woman was sitting with her back to us. She kept leaning forward over the table to talk to her date, and when she did, her top went farther up and her pants crept down, exposing the top 3 inches of her posterior – with all that implies.

I didn’t want to eat my dinner while looking at the great divide. My wife said to do nothing and not to look. Should I have tapped the woman on the shoulder and asked her not to bend over, or should I have asked the waiter to do something? Luckily, she and her date left before our main course was served. It’s the second time this has happened. What do I do the third time?

RICHARD in San Francisco

This would have been my response:

Dear Richard,

You live in San Francisco, but you are married, so I can only assume one of four things:

1. You are gay and have not come out of the closet.
2. When you said “wife,” you really meant “boyfriend.”
3. The woman you were staring at was horribly overweight.
4. You are writing this because your wife was pissed that you were staring at another woman’s crack all dinner long.

My money is on #4. Look, Dick (may I call you Dick?), here’s the deal. Some of us like to see thongs on women. Some of us find it pretty damn hot and don’t want guys writing ANYONE about it. We already had a legislator in North/South Carolinaginiageorgia try to pass a law against them. That was until he was laughed out of his chamber.

We understand your need to passify your wife. Frankly, you were kind of an ass (no pun intended) for staring at some hot girl’s thong all night at dinner. As Jerry Seinfeld once said about cleavage, “It’s like the sun. Glance and then LOOK AWAY!”

Oh, and don’t try to pass off staring at it to your wife by saying, “Isn’t that horrible how that womans ass is sticking out? It sickens me. Just look at it…I will stare at it with indignation!” Dick, women just aren’t gullable enough to believe you are staring at a woman’s ass just out of spite, which is why you wrote this letter.

I say, apologize to your wife and get her some low rise pants and a thong. Then, tell her she looks like J-Lo in them. Have some hot sex and move on. And never speak of this again.

—

Of course, Abby had a story about seeing a rock star and his much younger girlfriend in Beverly Hills with the same problem and she said this…

The designers who have foisted them on young women ought to be spanked.

Abby, you dirty girl. 🙂