Dear Abby: She’s Back, Baby and by “Baby” I’m Speaking in Slang and Don’t Mean an Actual Infant, Which Would Be Weird

There’s nothing quite as hot interesting as a good Dear Abby letter. Call me old fashioned. Call me silly. Call me Dr. Awesome (trademark pending). Whatever the case may be, I dig Abs and her homespun wisdom. It’s been a while since I had my own installment, so I thought I’d answer a couple of her letters myself. How hard could it be?

DEAR ABBY: I am 35 years old and the mother of two children. The oldest is 4 and my little one just turned 1. My mother-in-law had gastric bypass surgery two years ago. She lost a lot of weight and looks great, having gone from a size 16 to a size 4.

My problem is the comments she makes about my weight in the presence of others. For example, “Do you see that ‘Cate’ is so big-boned and I am so petite?” It hurts, and I don’t know what to do about it. What can I say to her the next time she says something like that? — “CATE” IN OKLAHOMA CITY

Dear “CATE” IN OKC –

By those quotation marks, I assume your name is not “Cate” but rather something completely different like “Catherine” or “Catonga,” so I’ll leave you to your anonymity because, let’s be totally honest here, Catonga is a horrible name. What is wrong with your parents, Catonga?

So, your mother-in-law lost a bunch of weight and now she’s criticizing you for being “big boned.” I’m sure Abby would suggest you be polite and mention how hurtful this is to your mother-in-law. I would take a different approach. Perhaps, the next time she brings it up, you could say something like, “That’s so true. I mean, remember when you were so goddamn fat, we were praying for the day when you’d get lipo or hop on the Jenny Craig bandwagon? Hell, I remember my husband saying that he wished you would start Rockin’ to the Oldies, but he figured you should do what you want since you are so old and close to death.”

If that doesn’t work, Catonga, just thank her for the fact that she gave birth to your husband who, despite her diminutive stature, carries a “big bone” of his own. That should break the tension.

Your Buddy,

Jeff

P.S. You really should think about changing that name, Catonga. Maybe that’s why you are fat because of your embarrassment over your name. Poor Catonga.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-30s, blond, blue-eyed, tall and slender. I am health-conscious and physically active. I have had a seven-year marriage and a relationship that lasted for four — but for the last five years I have been unattached. It took me a while to get used to being alone, but I have realized something that everyone needs to know: Being single can be very satisfying.

I clean my house; it stays clean. I have no extra dishes or laundry to do. There’s no toothpaste left in the sink. The toilet seat stays down. I can relax in front of the fireplace because no one is trying to get my attention.

My checkbook is always balanced, with no surprises. I can go to bed at night and sleep without having to spend half the night explaining why I’m not “in the mood.” I wake up refreshed in the morning without having to share someone else’s challenges.

I’m free to come and go as I please without the burden of anyone else’s expectations. And, if I’m feeling social, I can get together with a male or female friend and go out and have a good time.

Please reassure your single readers that it’s OK to be single, and not to allow their well-meaning friends, family or society to try to convince them they “need” to be in a relationship. If they’re happily single, as am I, they can remain that way and life will be just fine if they let it be. For me, it’s the only way to be. — HAPPILY SINGLE IN SEATTLE

Dear HAPPILY SINGLE IN SEATTLE,

I’d just like to say on behalf of all men, THANK YOU! You being single is the best thing that could happen to us and we’re glad you agree. Please remain that way so that no unsuspecting man becomes ensnared by someone as clearly annoying and conceited as yourself. You’ve saved us all a great deal of pain.

Now, you’ll have to excuse me as I need to dump clothes on the floor, empty an entire tube of Crest into the sink, pee on the toilet seat and bug the crap out of my girlfriend who is attempting to ignore me in front of a roaring fire place. It’s a challenge, I know, but it’s the life of most dudes like me.

Thanks again!

xoxo

Jeff

Finally, perhaps one of the great letters of all time:

DEAR ABBY: I think my husband may be a cross-dresser. Last night while “Roland” and I were cuddling in bed, I felt his legs and they were smoother than mine. I asked him why he keeps shaving his legs and stomach, and then it dawned on me. Roland has sent me e-mails hinting about dressing up.

One year, he purchased a pair of high heels, saying he wanted to dress up like a woman. I examined them the other day and there is evidence that they have been worn more than once. My lingerie drawer is sometimes a mess, and sometimes my clothes are a bit out of place. I believe my husband dresses up while I’m out of town on business trips.

I’d kind of like to see him dressed up, but I’m afraid he might look sexier than me. Lately Roland has been asking me if he can join me when I go shopping for clothes. He does chores around the house (vacuuming, ironing, dishes), and if he enjoys cross-dressing, I say he can wear any outfit he wants. How can I tell him I know what he’s doing? — WISE TO HIM IN FORT WORTH

Dear WISE TO HIM IN FORT WORTH,

I would just like to point out a few things I was wondering while reading your missive.

1. You asked him why he “keeps” shaving his legs and stomach (ew!). So, he’s been doing this for some time and it just dawned on you something might be amiss? Have you considered taking a class on paying attention? Just a thought. I’m sure Dallas has many lovely community colleges that offer such educational opportunities for someone such as yourself.

2. He TOLD YOU “one year” that he bought high heels and wanted to dress up as a woman. Um, are you perhaps mildly retarded? There is probably a test for such things. You might want to consult a physician.

3. Your lingerie drawer is a mess and your clothes are out of place. Ok, dear, now I’m worried. I’m thinking brain aneurysm. Go to an emergency room immediately!

4. You are concerned he would look sexier than you in YOUR clothes. While you are on your way to the hospital, you might want to contact a therapist about your low self esteem issues. I think it’s just grand you accept your husband as he is, but I just don’t know what to say about your belief in his cross dressing hotness.

I’m just concerned here, Debbie. I call you Debbie because of that porno about Dallas and I don’t really think they have one about Ft. Worth. Maybe Fanny Fucks Ft. Worth, which has a nice ring to it, but I can’t confirm that is a real film. Since you are so into this cross dressing thing, once a team of physicians has cleared you for active duty, maybe you should consider making a cross dressing porno about Ft. Worth. You could call it Freaky in Cow Town USA or maybe something simple like Ft. Worth Cockyards, you know, instead of stockyards. It’s a play on words, Debbie. Oh, right, you have a brain injury.

Ok, best of luck.

Rainbows and unicorns,

Jeff