Coach’s Wife Sues Cab Driver…It’s Complicated

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We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.

Scooby Doo Meet the Harlem GlobetrottersI’d like to tell you a little story about a college basketball coach, a cab driver, a valet and the coach’s wife. I’m sure you are thinking that this sounds an awful lot like the beginning of a porno. That’s quite true. In fact, I believe that particular title is White Men Can’t Hump starring John Hardwood, but, that’s for another blog post or maybe another blog.

No, children, this is the true story of how the simple flaring of tempers can turn into something hilarious.

Enter Andy Kennedy, the basketball coach for Ole Miss. On December 18, he was arrested for assault in an encounter with a cab driver that has grown more complicated with lawsuits and counter suits.

First, Kennedy sued the driver and a valet for defamation when the driver said that Kennedy punched him and used racial slurs in the incident. The valet backed the driver’s story. The driver counter sued claiming the need to protect himself.

Stupid, yes, but not terribly uncommon, unfortunately. But, here’s where the fun begins.

Kennedy’s wife, Kimber (yes, I said Kimber), filed suit against both the driver and valet. Do you know why? Seriously, you’re going to love this.

Kimber sued the two for…well, I’ll let the story do the talking.

Kennedy’s wife sued that cab driver and a valet driver who backed his claims to police and the media, saying their accusations had harmed the couple’s personal relationship, including their sex life.

[…]

The basketball coach sued Jiddou and valet Michael Strother for defamation the day after his arrest, and Kimber Kennedy filed a lack of consortium suit Dec. 22 against the pair.

That’s right. Mrs. Kennedy sued the cab driver and the valet because she claimed the incident kept her from getting “off the bench” and having any “playing time.” Now, they’ll have to go to “court” since her husband is no longer a “baller.” Did you get that? They aren’t, you know, “having sex.” Those quotes were for emphasis and I was just being, you know, “funny.”

Anyway, you’re thinking, “Wow, Jeff! That’s freaking hilarious. Thanks for telling me this humorous anecdote. You’ve made my day. And the quotes you used for humor are awesome. You are the best and you’re totally hot. Plus, your blog is the bestest ever and supermodels must want to have your babies.” But, that wasn’t the funniest part.

Now, you’re saying, “Oh, my God, Jeff, you can’t possibly be funnier or better. You’re like a blog God or what I like to call a ‘Blod.’ See, I can use quotes too. You think you are so clever, don’t you, Blod. You can just fling around quotation marks like they grow on trees – delicious quote trees. Well, Blod, you’ve got another thing coming…”

Whoa, slow down there. Keep reading and I’m sure you’ll calm down or have a seizure from fits of laughter.

Please consult a physician before reading any further. Jeff Balke and all related parties assume no responsibility for laughter related death, disease or dismemberment.

The wife filed suit on December 22. The husband was arrested on December 18. She is claiming that their sex life had been disrupted for FOUR DAYS!!!

Seriously, I like sex as much as the next person, but four days? What happens when the guy goes on a road trip? Is she going to sue the university for making her vagina lonely? In fact, I would urge her to do exactly that. Use the lonely vagina defense that worked so well in Hooker versus the State of California.

Everyone knows a vagina is a terrible thing to waste, or that might be the mind is a terrible thing to screw. I get these things confused.

Why are you looking at me like that? Kneel before Blod!

Since Superman II, I’ve been wanting to say that, except Zod, not Blod, but whatever.

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