This past weekend was a straight JAM. My birthday was Friday, complete with dinner, drinking and much enjoyment of all things fun and totally awesome, which is to say, ME! Ha ha, I’m so modest and sweet and sexy and badass all at the same time. How do I do it?! Saturday night was Ben Folds at the House of… Read more →
Category: Things You Buy for $100
Bachelorette Parties: Full of Fun and Tiaras
The bachelor party is normally a pretty simple affair (no pun intended). Guys eat, drink and, as is often the case, look at naked women either on film or in person at a strip club. Some go farther and others are much more staid, but the concept is fairly straight forward whatever your choice of debauchery. With bachelorette parties, on… Read more →
Prove Your Virginity! Get Certified!
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty! I was raised in a convent. I don’t indulge in pleasures of the flesh. King Louis XVI: You don’t put out, he don’t get out. Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty, I simply don’t do it. King Louis XVI: Come on, you do it. You love to do it. We all do it. You do it… Mademoiselle Rimbaud:… Read more →
Tired of Looking at Your Dog’s Butthole? Me too!
Inventions are a funny thing. On one hand, the microchip has revolutionized the way we communicate and live our lives. On the other hand, the snuggie has replaced the blanket with shame. So, you know, six and one half dozen. Well, in the same spirit as other great inventions like the light bulb, the cure for polio and the bumpit… Read more →
Sorting Out the Whole Kroger Situation
I’ve been seeing a lot of you ask on Twitter, “Where the hell is Zombie Kroger and why is it called that?” By “a lot,” I mean like three people I sorta know but have never met. So, I figured I should put together this little rundown of the four Krogers that have been given monikers and why they are… Read more →
That Sucking Sound You Hear is Ticketmaster Stealing My Money
I don’t go to a ton of concerts that require me using Ticketmaster or Live Nation to acquire tickets. But, on occasion, like going to see Wilco in Dallas on October 8, I have to venture into the great, evil abyss. Today, I purchased my tickets for Wilco at $30 each (a very reasonable amount) and paid $84. Did I… Read more →
Five Reasons to Avoid Zombie Kroger
Leave it to me to sell my house, three blocks from Ghetto Kroger, and move into a place three blocks from Zombie Kroger. Why do I call it Zombie Kroger, you ask (I know you asked, so don’t pull that “I didn’t ask” bullshit. We both know that you did!)? I call it that because the clientele appears to mostly… Read more →
New Additions to the Balke Household
A lot has changed for me in the past two months. I’m living in a new house. I lost a cat (sadly). I paid off my debts. I ate a block of cheese in one sitting. I became a ninja. I fired a shotgun in your general direction. But, of FAR greater importance than any of these – and much… Read more →
I Have Crossed Oceans of Time to Find This Sex Toy
Since I’m back to blogging, it seems only (super)natural that I get back in the swing of things by talking about something stupid weird bizarre pretty much totally normal for me, in this case, a vampire dildo. I know a lot of you ladies love you some Twilight what with the teenage angst, the heavy makeup and the eternal death… Read more →
House For Sale
My house is a very very very very fine house. I’ve lived her for 14 years, but it is time for me to move out and let some other lucky soul have a crack at it. Â I fully intend to remain in the neighborhood because it rocks the mic like a vandal and waxes the chumps like a candle, bizyotch.… Read more →