American Music Awards = Suckitude

Another lame awards show, another waste of time. Some observations from the 2006 AMA’s:

It’s pretty bad when Lionel Ritchie re-hashing a hit from 20 years ago (OUTRAGEOUS!) trumps virtually every other performer. Memo to artists everywhere: a good song performed by a great singer with a killer band is ALWAYS a good thing no matter how old the song or performer is.

It’s sad that a band whose best album was released more than 10 years ago is nominated in a category along with Nickelback (the Starbucks of rock and roll) and “various artists” from a made-for-tv teenage MUSICAL!!! I mean, who are you rooting for if you root for the musical…the record excs who are thanking you all the way to the bank?

There were TWO representatives from the freaking Disney Channel???  And what the hell is Billy Ray Cyrus doing?

Will someone PLEASE turn off the damn wind machines?

And tell Nelly Furtado that the 80’s called and they want their song back.

Of the performances I liked, the Dixie Chicks, Snow Patrol and Jamie Foxx top the list. Props to Foxx for tributing grandma. That was pretty sweet.

I’m still trying to figure out why Babyface (yes, you, Kenneth) worked with Fall Out Boy.

I wonder how little troll-faced Tom Cochrane is doing raking in the royalties courtesy of Rascal Flatts.

Rap and hip hop have become the heavy metal of our time. While so many shoe-gazing indie artists look bored to tears and sing about how depressed they are, the rappers are having sex with strippers, drinking Cristal and driving bad ass cars. It’s like the “Girls Girls Girls” video without the hair, make up and guitars. No wonder the music is so popular. It’s fun. What a concept!

What was the joke with Tori Spelling and Gay Aiken? I didn’t get it.

Tenacious D was funny, but I don’t think too many people got the joke.

Hey, chubby tux-wearing guy, holding a dollar in the front row doesn’t make you part of Snoop’s peformance and bald, metrosexual man with the badge, Ritchie was good, but not jump up and down like a freak good.

Is it just me or is Barry Manilow the bastard child of Liza Manelli and Rod Stewart?

Enough with the medolies already. It’s bad enough to hear Manilow go from Valli to Bacharach in one Vegas-like move, but I can’t even tell the Carrie Underwood songs apart from one another (sorry, K!).

Given the lack of nominees, maybe you can re-name the pop/rock category to just “pop.”

Are the Black Eyed Peas and the Pussycat Dolls even music? Shouldn’t they be cartoons by now?

Jay Z made his “don’t call this a comeback” and was a pro as usual. But, do the Bud ads and NASCAR sponsorships really constitute a retirement for Mr. Beyonce?

Speaking of Ms. Knowles (if you’re nasty), she looked great and sung well. Pretty blah song for an opener, but she doesn’t make the schedule.

Shout out to another local Houston product, Chamillionaire, who didn’t win but was a part of my favorite moment of the evening as he annonced the ever-present accountants from Ernst and Young with Weird Al. “Represent your firm!”

Best joke of the night was Kimmel immitating country artists during rap acts by knodding his head and rap artists during country acts text messaging. Classic.

I seriously thought the Gwen Stefani “premiere” song was a joke. Yodelling and giant gold keys with dancers in bizarre Heidi outfits? It looked like something the Simpsons would do as a joke. I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry…maybe both. Gwen, you used to rock. Put down the giant 70’s sunglasses and back slowly away.

The Chili Peppers had the evening in perspective with the funny acceptances. They get it.

Mary J. Blige is so terrific. I’m not a big modern R&B fan, but she is just fantastic.

Hey, Black Eyed Peas, I’m guessing we can figure out what your website is without you repeating the domain name multiple times during your speeches. You should just be glad you won something.

Thank God for the DVR so I could skim the commercials. Made the show go faster and feel like it was mildly interesting.

Why do I watch these things? Oh, right, blog material.