A Very Chucky Christmas

I stopped off at Kroger to pick up a couple things for my dinner as I am want to do when hungry. On my way out, there was a display of Christmas cards. This same display had been up for a number of weeks in yet another strange and unfortunate example of holidays-too-early syndrome, but that isn’t really important…not for this post anyway.

I glanced over at the cards and to what did my wondering eyes did appear? Well, it wasn’t a sleigh and eight tiny reindeer, I’ll tell you that. It was a DVD from their “discount” rack mixed in with the assotment. An extra glance and I notice that film happens to be the horror film, Child’s Play.

And, yes, I managed to document the photo evidence with my camera phone much to the shock and terror of the woman seriously assessing the greeting card choices. But, c’mon, who buys their greeting cards at Kroger on a Saturday night in the second week of November…besides me?

Anyway, upon surveying the Chucky meets Christm…uh….Chaun…uh…Kwanz…whatever…the freaking holiday cards display, I imagined that one of two things happened to cause this odd mixture of horror and jollyness and I submit them to you here.

Theory 1: Someone Wants to Mix Holidays

There could be someone either from Hallmark or from the film industry (God help us once those blood suckers go into business together) trying to do some cunning viral marketing by planting the seed of an idea so devious and disgusting, it just might work: morphing Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas into one 90-day fright festival of giving…and turkey.

Think about the possibilities. Bobbing for ornaments. Turkey-flavored candy. Saw IV starring Santa! You could give Christmahanukwanzaweengiving cards to your friends and family, invite the neighbors over for the costume, cranberry and gift-exchange party and tell stories of how Santa Claus’ evil elf was banished from the North Pole and travelled around on Thanksgiving killing off all the little boys and girls who weren’t merry enough.

I personally believe that the greeting in the stack of cards next to the DVD read: Merry Christmas…SEE YOU IN HELL! Damn marketing freaks. When will they leave us alone to our completely un-commercialized, perfectly traditional Christmas traditions like the mad dash for the Tickle Me Elmo doll or waiting in line at 2am for a crappy $20 VCR at Wal-Mart the day after Thanksgiving or the annual who can pass out on the sofa quickest contest after the tryptophan kicks in Thanksgiving afternoon?

Theory 2: Christmas Isn’t Scary Enough

You know, some people think that having to sit silently in the house of a strange relative or make a mad scramble for the last blue iPod at the Apple store is just too damn easy for us. It’s bad enough we have parking lot traffic reports the day after Thanksgiving and those sorry turkey bucks to make our holidays easier.

We’ve gotten soft. Let’s just face it. Used to be you had to risk death by electrocution or paralysis from a fall from the roof if you wanted your house to look festive at Christmas. Now, just hire someone. We used to take our chances with razor blades in unwrapped candy.  Now, we have individually wrapped and sanitized Snickers that we can only eat after passing them under and x-ray machine. Stockings used to be hung by the chimney with care! Care, damnit!!! Now, we just throw them up there willy nilly…assuming we even HAVE a chimney.

We’re weak, people, WEAK! Thank the Lord in heaven above that some decent soul reminded us of the real meaning of the holiday season. We should be so afraid these holidays will pass us without at least a mild case of bronchitis that we get out in the cold with shorts on until we feel the Christmas cheer so intensely that our chestnuts have to roast upon an open fire just to thaw out.

I, for one, am glad that Chucky was there to help me remember that Christmas is all about fear and death and misfit toys that come to life and stab you with your freshly wrapped Ginsu knives. God bless you, Chucky. And God bless us, everyone.