Prove Your Virginity! Get Certified!

Virgin CertificateMademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty! I was raised in a convent. I don’t indulge in pleasures of the flesh.
King Louis XVI: You don’t put out, he don’t get out.
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty, I simply don’t do it.
King Louis XVI: Come on, you do it. You love to do it. We all do it. You do it…
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: No, I don’t!
King Louis XVI: I do it, I love to do it. I just did it and I’m ready to do it again, don’t tell me you don’t do it!

Ah, de-flowering virgins. It’s a pastime I think we can all agree is worthy of an Olympic event. What? If they can have ice dancing and water ballet and chess, I’m pretty sure indoctrinating nubile young things into the ways of adulthood should be worthy of a medal.

But, for so many wasted years, we have all suffered with the problem of how to know FOR SURE that the girl whose special gift you are stealing is an actual virgin. Who hasn’t wondered this, right? RIGHT? Work with me, people.

Well, now you can plunder her village secure in the knowledge that she truly is new to Planet Sex with this Virgin Certificate. After all, if you have a certificate you purchased on the internet for a buck, you KNOW it has to be true.

But, wait, you say. What if you aren’t a virgin, but you really, REALLY want to be one again. Even though some seeds can’t be un-sewn (even with vaginal reconstructive surgery or penis shortening – it happens!), you can be a certified virgin too! Hooray for the magic of the internet that can turn you from wanton hussy (HUSSY with an H – don’t be a weirdo) to chaste virgin with just a few clicks of ye’ olde mouse including the “MAKE ME A VIRGIN” button. It’s almost TOO simple.

I considered it for a moment because returning to virginitude is something that is sort of appealing in a twisted, perverted way. But then someone told me that, other than in that Steve Carrell movie, being a older, male virgin isn’t the most prized of commodities among women.

OH RLY?

I mean, what woman doesn’t want a man who needs instruction on what a clitoris is nevermind how to find it? It’s like a sweet gift he is giving you by letting you explain it and waiting on him to learn how to pleasure you. You’re WELCOME!

I guess some of you brazen harlots seem to want guys with “experience” and “skill” and “a basic understanding of female anatomy.” God, you’re so demanding! I hate you. I swore I wouldn’t cry.

I’m sorry, what? No, I’m not a virgin. Yes, I’m sure. Stop looking at me like that!

(via Geekologie)

  One Reply to “Prove Your Virginity! Get Certified!”

  1. January 30, 2010 at 10:05 am

    I’m sorry, just when I was thinking about what great wedding favors for the guests the virginity certificates would make for when I marry the guy who knows a song about a chicken, I got distracted by the penis shortening.

    Penis shortening? I’ve at leats heard of the vaginal reconstructive thing, but penis shortening?!?!?!

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