The Eternal Debate: Defecation vs. Masturbation

PoopyI’m not going to lie. This is going to get weird.

When I was in Austin on Saturday evening, I noticed the lack of decent restroom facilities along 6th Street. Sure, you could go into venues, but that was only if you had a wristband, knew the secret handshake or agreed to buy their discounted $40 beer. Fortunately for me, I only urinate when I’m angry.

At one point, I decided to take a breather and found a spot right behind the Texas Lottery building where there was an atrium and a nice table and chairs. I was the only genius who managed to find this place, so it was quiet and I got to chill for an hour.

I was chatting on the phone with a friend and describing the locale, which I said would make a good place to pee if you were a guy in a pinch. Mind you, I would NEVER do this more than three times in the same day, but the discussion continued on to the inevitable – would I defecate in this location as well?

Of course, there is no way I would, but I said that was because I would find it more embarrassing to be caught taking a crap than I would masturbating.

Then came the silence. “I’m sorry, what???” There was argument and debate and finally the decision that this probably only applied to me and I agreed to poll everyone and find out the answer because that’s what I do. I write about dildos and vagina tightening cream and light rock songs and masturbation.

Fact is, guys are kinda gross. We know this. As another female friend told me after washing her hands in the guys’ bathroom at a restaurant, “Boys are gross. Your bathrooms smell funny.” We know this. We don’t care. But, most guys are a little freaked out by public deuce dropping and not just the squatting in the park variety. Guys aren’t even real fond of having to sit in a stall. We are proud of our ability to pee standing up and we prefer to keep our other bodily evacuations to ourselves and the privacy of a bathroom well stocked with magazines, books and a television – what, you don’t have that?

Also, if you are caught masturbating, you can totally stop. Not so easy with the pooping. Bet you didn’t think of that, did you?

Anyway, here is the poll and I even divided it so that we can get a clear reading of both the men and the women on this one.

It should be noted that I would do neither in public because, well, I’m sane and not a hillbilly, but have fun voting!

Oh, and EXPLAIN YOURSELVES in comments.

  6 Replies to “The Eternal Debate: Defecation vs. Masturbation”

  1. March 23, 2009 at 11:19 am

    The Eternal Debate? I’ve never debated this. I think it’s just you Jeff Balke.

  2. March 23, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    I’ve never debated this, and I wouldn’t. Agree w/groovehouse; it’s just you.

  3. Jeff
    March 23, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    @groovehouse & @stephen – Chicken. 🙂

  4. March 23, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    Oh. The title of the post alone … Oh.

  5. Rebecca
    March 23, 2009 at 10:31 pm

    Who the hell masturbates in public? I can see if you’re stuck somewhere and you HAVE to pinch a loaf – hey, it happens. But who HAS to rub one out behind a building? That’s just messed up.

  6. April 8, 2009 at 9:09 am

    I didn’t vote, because I can’t even decide. But I just wanted you to know for the record that I TOTALLY thought about the whole being able to stop/get re-clothed quickly aspect way before reading your sentence.

    Then again, even when you’re old and decrepit enough to need someone to take care of you all the time, you’ll still have to poop. So maybe it’s best just to get used to the idea of someone one day seeing you poop now. I doubt anyone in the old folks’ home helps the old people masturbate. Then again, masturbating isn’t as stinky. See? It’s just not as simple as it seems.

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