Nickname Support: Helping PETA Save the Sea Kittens

PinchyNot sure if you saw this, but PETA (the organization, not the delicious flat bread made from puppies and hedge hogs) has decided we should all start referring to fish as “sea kittens” hoping a name change would make us view fish differently and, therby, stop consuming their delicious, juicy fish flesh.

This, much like when they sent bloody cow mascots to school lunchrooms in an effort to explain why people put ketchup on meatloaf (I only assume that’s what it was for because the alternative is, well, ridiculous), is a FANTASTIC idea. Re-naming animals to sweeter, more innocent nicknames will totally make me want to eat them less meat and by less I mean I’ll stop putting bacon in my cereal at least once a week.

And before you start splattering paint on all my fur coats thinking I’m some kind of monster that kills endangered species simply for their juicy, succulent deliciousness…mmmm…polar bear…wait, what? Oh, right, I WAS a vegetarian (don’t say it, Fuzzball!), so I can totally discuss this as if I had a PhD in vegan (they offer it a Berkeley from what I hear).

Here is my list of names PETA should consider using to help us all feel better about eating saving animals we might normally hunt and kill eat. I tried to stick with animals commonly found on the average American dinner table, but you can add your own.

Chickens – Crate Cuddlers

Turkeys – Sir or Madame Peckenstein

Lobster – Opposite of Sea Roaches (it’s catchy, right?)

Cows – Jolly Ranchers

Elephants – Stompies

Slugs – Snuggly Bugs

Monkeys – Almost Humans

Parrots – Sweet Talkers

Dingo – Puppies…That Kill You and Steal Your Baby (what?)

Iguana – Jungle Rabbits

I was going to say “bunnies,” but I think that might be offensive to, you know, Christians because of the Easter Bunny and all.

Feel free to add your own. As for me, I’m off to enjoy the flavors of a delicious stompy steak covered in sir peckinstein gravy. Mmmm…stompy…

  6 Replies to “Nickname Support: Helping PETA Save the Sea Kittens”

  1. K
    January 14, 2009 at 10:48 am

    I have three things to say to you, Balke:

    1) Classic Simpson’s reference FTW

    2) Jolly Ranchers

    3) You are awesome squared

  2. January 14, 2009 at 10:50 am

    I’m going to kick you in the nuts the next time I see you. Or maybe I’ll just have Stampy do it…hmmmm…


  3. January 14, 2009 at 10:58 am

    i’m totally calling elephants stompies from now on!
    example: aren’t my bracelets amazing? they’re tusks from african stompies, but totally not black market. you’re welcome, peta.

  4. January 15, 2009 at 1:43 am

    I was going to invite Sir Peckenstein to join in next year’s Thanksgiving Day community celebration, but he can’t cook. So I told him to stuff it, and invited Madam Peckenstein instead. First of all, she’s a softy — we love her. But more importantly, she cooks perfectly…all else is gravy.

    **I heart Stompie*

  5. Ross
    January 15, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    I had a delicious dinner of grilled sea kitten last night. Yum. And I am actually a member of PETA. No, not the one you are thinking of, the real one, People for the Eating of Tasty Animals.

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